Best Friend

As I begin to write this post, I'm not even sure if I will publish it. I've never really wrote anything on this subject, but I started thinking about it yesterday and I had a need to blog it. Isn't that what blogging is for? For me it is, anyways...

Have you ever lost a best friend? Not being to specific with the word "lost" here. Maybe you lost your best friend in a fight, or because they moved and you drifted apart, or they lost their life. However you lost them, I'm sure it didn't doesn't feel good.

My best friend was Parker's dad. (gasp) I know, I don't really talk about him. And I'm beginning to think that is not healthy. When we split up (I hate that wording, but don't know how else to say it) I was fine. It was my decision, and I still feel like it was the right one. I won't go into details but I will say he never intentionally hurt me... he didn't cheat or anything like that, it just didn't work. It would never work. The only reason it took me so long to leave was because of Parker. I wanted him to have a mommy and daddy that were together. Afterall, that's what I had and I thought he deserved that. The difference is, my mommy and daddy were happy. I began to think... if I was in the situation, would I rather my parents be happy apart or miserable together? That was an easy question to answer.

The hardest part about all of this was that Parker's dad was my best friend. The real kind of best friend that you can tell anything to. We were together for about 3 years total and lived together for a year of that. We brought a beautiful baby into this world together, watched him grow together, and when it was time for me to go we cried together.

I have friends of course, even very close ones... but I find myself without a best friend. Who do I call when Parker has a big accomplishment? Or when I've had a bad day? Or when I leave work and just wanna say "Hey, I'll be home in 5 minutes." No one. I don't want anyone to think I regret my decision, I do not. But having my best friend back would be great, even though I know that's not possible. When he calls to check on Parker, I find myself talking about everything because that is what I automatically feel like doing. Then I remember, this is not your best friend. This is your son's father. The man who gave you the most amazing gift anyone could ever give. But not your best friend, no, not even close.

Lately, Matt has been wanting to see Parker more. As many of you know, he moved to North Dakota in October and didn't see Parker until a few weeks ago when he came back. I wasn't sure what to do in the situation. I didn't want Parker to know what losing his daddy felt like and I'm afraid if I let him get close to him that is what will happen. Right now he is too young to know the difference, he didn't miss his daddy when he moved but what if that happens again in a year from now? He will be old enough to understand and how will I be able to explain? I try not to think about it, yet I find myself worrying about it frequently. I do feel better now that I have blogged about this. I may find it hard to push that little Pulish button, but I am going to be brave and go with it.

I have fallen so far, flat on my face
I’m in need of Your grace today
I stumble and fall, but in spite of it all
Your love always stays the same
Hallelujah
-Heather Williams